1
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Ladies and gentlemen, it's Cooper!

2
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Just like that!

3
00:03:09,230 --> 00:03:11,470
The polls are not long enough, I'm
sorry.

4
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What a lovely audience.

5
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As I do the full act tonight, I won't
cut anything.

6
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Ooh, my teeth itch.

7
00:03:51,120 --> 00:03:54,260
I went to the dentist, he said, my teeth
are all right, but my gum's got to come

8
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out.

9
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And I was sitting inside, waiting to see
the dentist, and I'm reading the

10
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magazines like you do, and...

11
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Wasn't awful about that Titanic

12
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Please

13
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You may say to yourself, why does he
keep walking about?

14
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And I'll tell you the reason why,
because... What?

15
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What was that?

16
00:04:45,970 --> 00:04:46,970
Yes.

17
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She said something, I don't know why.

18
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So I went to this doctor, I said, it
hurts me if I do that. He said, well,

19
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do it.

20
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And I said, I said, you've got to listen
to this.

21
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I said, I keep dreaming of these
beautiful girls keep coming towards me,

22
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pushing them away.

23
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They keep coming towards me, I keep
pushing them away.

24
00:05:29,540 --> 00:05:31,220
He said, what do you want me to do? I
said, break my arm.

25
00:05:39,150 --> 00:05:40,150
Look at that.

26
00:05:42,490 --> 00:05:44,230
That'll take a lot of folly when I tell
you that.

27
00:05:47,750 --> 00:05:49,290
It'll take a lot of folly when I tell
you.

28
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What?

29
00:05:51,830 --> 00:05:52,830
Yeah, I know.

30
00:05:54,090 --> 00:05:55,090
Is he all right?

31
00:05:55,550 --> 00:05:56,550
Oh, good.

32
00:05:57,010 --> 00:05:58,390
I've got my dog in the dressing room.

33
00:05:59,970 --> 00:06:01,550
He's a one -man dog. Only bites me.

34
00:06:06,740 --> 00:06:09,440
He took a big lump out of my knee once.
A friend of mine said, did you put

35
00:06:09,440 --> 00:06:10,980
anything on it? I said, no, he left it
as it was.

36
00:06:20,820 --> 00:06:23,600
My next door neighbour said to me,
you've got to get rid of that dog. I

37
00:06:23,640 --> 00:06:24,640
why?

38
00:06:25,800 --> 00:06:26,900
I didn't shout too much, I said.

39
00:06:29,120 --> 00:06:30,120
I said, why?

40
00:06:30,980 --> 00:06:33,040
He said, well, he keeps chasing people
on a bicycle.

41
00:06:34,280 --> 00:06:35,400
I said, well, I'll take his bike away.

42
00:06:45,610 --> 00:06:46,730
It makes me laugh.

43
00:06:48,930 --> 00:06:50,710
It makes me laugh.

44
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And I've done it for about 30 years.

45
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He's not the Irishman.

46
00:07:05,290 --> 00:07:06,750
He's an old Irishman, isn't he?

47
00:07:08,530 --> 00:07:13,010
He had a ship, a cargo ship, full of yo
-yos.

48
00:07:16,460 --> 00:07:18,660
And I hit this rock, and it sank 44
times.

49
00:07:24,820 --> 00:07:27,640
Ladies and gentlemen, once again, the
Sisters of the Rock.

50
00:09:46,110 --> 00:09:48,910
Chant Chant

51
00:09:48,910 --> 00:09:58,850
Chant

52
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Chant

53
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Chant

54
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Chant

55
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Every time I hear Chantant, chantant

56
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An accumulator.

57
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Ten pence.

58
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And it won thousands and thousands of
pounds.

59
00:11:16,360 --> 00:11:20,020
And he went to his bookmaker, and his
bookmaker said, I'm not a very big

60
00:11:20,020 --> 00:11:21,020
bookmaker.

61
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He said, I'm not one of the top line
bookmakers.

62
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Hello, Eddie. I didn't know you were in.

63
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Didn't know you were in without the
ticket.

64
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Oh, good.

65
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What was I talking about?

66
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So, this scorpion...

67
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So this Irishman backed ten pence.

68
00:12:06,310 --> 00:12:08,450
I forgot the bling joke.

69
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What?

70
00:12:14,370 --> 00:12:15,370
Accumulator, yeah.

71
00:12:18,990 --> 00:12:23,150
And he backed his horse for ten pence as
accumulator.

72
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Right?

73
00:12:25,150 --> 00:12:28,430
And he went to his bookmaker and his
bookmaker said,

74
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I'm not a very big bookmaker.

75
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I've done that, haven't I?

76
00:12:36,480 --> 00:12:37,560
I thought I heard it.

77
00:12:39,160 --> 00:12:40,480
He said, I told you what I've got to do.

78
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He said, I'll pay you £1 ,000 this week,
£1 ,000 next week, and we'll go on like

79
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that.

80
00:12:48,900 --> 00:12:51,440
And his eyes went, no, he said, I'm
going to stand for that.

81
00:12:52,060 --> 00:12:53,640
He said, give me my ten pence back.

82
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And now, ladies and gentlemen, my guest
star this week

83
00:13:08,530 --> 00:13:13,830
has

84
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got her feet firmly planted on the
ladder

85
00:13:20,490 --> 00:13:22,570
of success.

86
00:13:31,410 --> 00:13:33,290
And apart from that,

87
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She's my next -door neighbor ladies and
gentlemen Sheila Burnett

88
00:13:41,500 --> 00:13:54,720
The

89
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moment I saw him smile I knew he was

90
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just my style

91
00:14:20,380 --> 00:14:27,320
How can I ignore the boy next door?

92
00:14:27,600 --> 00:14:31,620
I love him more than I can say.

93
00:14:33,480 --> 00:14:38,320
Doesn't try to please me, doesn't even
tease me.

94
00:14:39,340 --> 00:14:43,100
And he never sees me glance his way.

95
00:14:43,400 --> 00:14:49,940
And though I'm a hot sore, the boy next
door, affection

96
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for me won't display.

97
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I just adore him.

98
00:16:47,880 --> 00:16:48,940
Do you know I've got a splitting
headache?

99
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I'll be honest.

100
00:16:53,420 --> 00:16:54,740
It's just like an arrow in my head.

101
00:16:56,460 --> 00:16:57,520
You thought it was real, didn't you?

102
00:18:05,760 --> 00:18:06,760
I did the wrong.

103
00:18:07,760 --> 00:18:10,100
What? Two watches? No, I've got millions
of them. Look at that.

104
00:18:14,080 --> 00:18:15,080
That's better, isn't it?

105
00:18:37,680 --> 00:18:41,980
these cards from the tan into their top
hat.

106
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Missed.

107
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Missed.

108
00:19:05,640 --> 00:19:06,680
If I miss again,

109
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I said, shoot my toe.

110
00:19:14,230 --> 00:19:15,230
Fist.

111
00:19:21,530 --> 00:19:25,450
I know, ladies and gentlemen, a trick I
want to show you now, which you've seen

112
00:19:25,450 --> 00:19:26,450
many, many times.

113
00:19:26,830 --> 00:19:28,410
I've sawn a lady in half.

114
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But I'm going to saw myself in half.

115
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Tonight.

116
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For the very first time.

117
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Not that way, but down.

118
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Down.

119
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I should get inside the cabinet.

120
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I should go inside and saw myself down
from top to bottom.

121
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Which has never been done before.

122
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Ever.

123
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He hasn't said it yet.

124
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Inside.

125
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I shall go inside this cabinet.

126
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I'm coming in now.

127
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I'm inside.

128
00:21:33,770 --> 00:21:34,770
Thank you.

129
00:22:07,630 --> 00:22:08,930
I tell you what I'd like to do now for
me.

130
00:22:10,390 --> 00:22:12,230
We're going to do little songs.

131
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Old and new.

132
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And old and new.

133
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in the spring.

134
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It's only spring.

135
00:22:49,770 --> 00:22:54,490
We'd like to sing for you now for me
some old songs and new songs.

136
00:22:57,930 --> 00:23:01,950
And old songs and new songs.

137
00:23:05,580 --> 00:23:08,380
And after that, we may sing some new
songs and old songs.

138
00:23:10,600 --> 00:23:13,840
But at the moment, we'll sing some old
songs and new songs.

139
00:23:16,080 --> 00:23:17,080
Thank you, Bob.